Choices, Choices, Choices

Last article I named six principles that we must commit to in order to maintain our sense of personal power and freedom in our day-to-day living. Each principle is vital and logically leads to the next. Failure to effectively engage any one of these principles can cause a blockage, which can lead to a feeling of victim hood and paralysis.

In the last article we discussed the principle of identification. We showed how it was important to properly identify your desired outcome, the obstacles preventing you from reaching your desired outcome, the cost involved in removing the obstacles, the true desirability of the outcome, plans for removing or working around the obstacles, and finally identifying an emotional support partner.

I wish to clarify one point I failed to make clear last time about desired outcomes. That point is to focus only on those things you can directly control. If your desired outcome involves someone else choosing to behave in a particular manner, you have a desirable outcome that is not strictly within the realms of your own control.

For instance, if you want your spouse to behave toward you in a more loving and respectful manner, you may discuss the issue with your spouse and make a case for your desire, but essentially the outcome is not dependent upon your action alone. It is also dependent upon the decision of your spouse to cooperate or not. Those decisions are not within the realm of your control, so you need to re-frame your desired outcome so that it does fall within that realm.

In this kind of situation you must decide whether it is more desirable to put up with less than acceptable behavior to seek marital counseling or to potentially leave your spouse and whether or not such leaving is permanent or temporary. Those decisions are within your control and outcomes based around them are achievable by your direct action while the others are not. You can control and change yourself, you can not control and change another.

In order to be a consistent Victor it is vital to identify what is in your direct control and what is not and to focus on those things that you can directly control. I think that this is part of what makes leaving the path of the Victim so scary for so many of us. Focusing on the controllable puts the responsibility of action dead center in our lap. We now have to act and to accept the consequences of our actions. What happens if we fail? On the other hand, it can be a source of great exhilaration. What happens if we succeed? We can deeply enjoy the consequences of our actions, and that is ultimately what life is all about.

One other point. Our lives don't happen one event at a time. During this process of identifying outcomes, you probably have identified a number of desirable ones covering a number of areas in your life. Take a moment and write them down and go through the entire identification process with each desired outcome. I want to emphasize the need to write things down because if you don't I guarantee that you'll forget something critical.

Scientists have stated that the mind can effectively deal with only five to seven items at any one time. Writing down the desired outcomes and the plans associated with each will help us keep focused and will help us better prioritize our activities so we become more and more effective in our dealing with the issues of life. I can't emphasize enough the importance of writing down your thoughts and ideas as they occur to you. Carry a small notebook or stack of index cards so you can jot down ideas and capture them for future evaluation.

Having clarified some additional thoughts about identification, let's move on to the second principle found along the pathway of the Victor.

Now comes the time where you must utilize your power to choose. This is a power we all carry with us but sometimes we forget that we can and must use it in every circumstance that enters our lives. Choice is often intimidating because we are free to make both good and bad choices. What happens if we choose wrong? That one question can paralyze us if we adopt the belief that wrong choices are necessarily bad.

The truth is that because we are fallible, none of us avoid making wrong choices. We are not omniscient. None of us can accurately predict the future one hundred percent of the time. In fact most of us would consider ourselves lucky if we could do it one percent of the time. :-) Therefore choosing wrong is going to happen in the majority of instances. What happens if we choose wrong? Learn from the wrong choice to make a better choice next time. Treat each "failure" as an opportunity to improve and grow as a human being and learn. Don't beat yourself up for not being omniscient. Be what you are; a flawed human being who learns by making mistakes and learns to make better choices by making wrong ones to begin with. Don't let the fear of choosing wrong prevent you from exercising your power to make choices, otherwise you'll end up right back in the middle of the pathway of the Victim.

So what choices should we make at this time? Well, first and foremost we need to prioritize our outcomes. We need to know which ones we should work on first. Which ones are most important or which ones will require the most energy? For instance, you may wish to achieve an outcome where you can get away for some private time with your spouse. You want it to take place in a quiet, romantic, bed and breakfast setting and make a special weekend out of it. You realize, however, that in order to achieve that outcome you must save up the money for it first. So the outcome "Get out of debt and save up Rs 50,000 nest egg" might be a more urgent outcome so it has a higher priority.

Some outcomes, like the one above, are dependent upon achieving other outcomes. Some outcomes are simply more intensely desired than others. Work through your list of desirable outcomes and prioritize them so you know which to give your attention to first.

Next we need to select reasonable deadlines. In other self-help literature I've often seen it said decide what you want and when you want it and write that down. Review it every day and by reviewing and taking action every day you'll achieve your goal. There is a core of truth to this, but we need to be a little more specific than that. If, for instance, I want to earn 10 lacs and I'm starting off with core capital of Rs 5000, I'd be rather foolish in setting a deadline of earning the million by this time next week or even next year. How do you determine a reasonable deadline?

Simple. Look at your plan of action that you built during the Identification phase. Each plan of action should have a number of steps that logically lead from one step to another until the desired outcome is produced. Start from the first step to the second step. How long do you think it will take to reach that second step? Set that as a deadline for the second step. Now look at the third step. How long do you think it will take to move from step two to step three? Set that as your deadline for your third step. Repeat this process for each progressive step in your plan of action and the date you have set to reach the desired out come from the next to the last step is the date you use for your overall deadline. In other words, each step in your plan of action should have a deadline culminating in a final step which is the achievement of your desired outcome. The final step determines your overall target date.

The advantage of doing this is that you have all the other deadlines identified also and can use them to keep you moving forward and motivated toward reaching the desired outcome. You have a built in motivation machine by using a system of "sub-deadlines" to keep you on track to reaching the overall target date. You have an automatic measuring system that helps keep you on track toward your ultimate goal.

The final choice that should be made is to select a point of re-evaluation. Though we'll discuss the evaluation process in a future issue, the important point here is to select a date based on your plan of action deadlines where you will evaluate at least two things. First you will evaluate your plan of action itself. Here you are attempting to answer the question "Is what I'm doing actually working?" Is it advancing you toward your goals? If it is, then continue with it. If not then you should consider moving on to "plan B".

Secondly, you are wanting to evaluate the overall goal itself. Does achieving the goal still matter to you? Have circumstances or your perspective on life changed the value of the outcome? You should always give yourself room to grow and permission to change. Though I believe that persistent action toward a goal is vital toward its achievement, I also believe that personal growth, new perspectives on life, and circumstances can occur in such a way as to change the desirableness of the goal. If the goal is no longer desirable, then by all means abandon it. You should never feel you that you "have to" reach a particular goal simply because it was important to you six months ago. If it is no longer important to you then pursue something else. Remember the most important question is "What do *you* want?"

And the Director Yells "Action".

Now its time to put feet to our plans. We have progressed through the process of identification where you have identified the step-by-step plan to reach your outcome. We have progressed through the process of selection and have chosen realistic deadlines for reaching our outcome. Let's move now to the next principle.

Let me put the cards out on the table and get real honest. There's absolutely no magic in the world. Things don't happen, they get done. Affirmations, meditation and visualization are completely worthless without the commitment to take action. The world is not set up to deliver to you the life you want simply because you demand it. Endless repetition of positive thoughts will not make a desired outcome appear on your doorstep. Visualizing your outcome may help you recognize it when you see it, but it won't make it magically appear.

To get what you want, you must act. You must move in a direction that is in accordance with your desired outcome. Action, consistent, daily, directed action is the only thing that will produce the outcome you desire. If you refuse to act, you will not have. It is as simple as that. Action produces results, nothing else.

On that note let's take a look at some practical thoughts about action and how it relates to desired outcomes.

The most important thing is to begin now. Don't wait for another "better" day to get started. It will never come. I used to tell myself that I'd start a project on "next Monday", that way I would be "in sinq" with how we order our weeks. The problem was that there was always some reason on Monday to put it off until the following Monday. Needless to say as long as I kept up that behavior I rarely accomplished anything I truly wanted. Don't lie to yourself or talk yourself into waiting for the "right" time. Bottom line: There is no right time. Do it now, or don't do it at all. You've got to take action to realize your dreams so you might as well take action right now.

Secondly, your actions should be consistent. This one is really hard. It is so easy to begin a project, but only the battle weary reach their goal. A piece of old oriental wisdom states that the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. The corollary to that is that the thousand-mile journey, when completed, contains hundreds of thousands of single steps. The journey requires consistent, steady action.

Third, your actions should be guided. If I want to go from Punjabi Bagh to the New Delhi Airport, the best way to get there is for me to leave my house, go west on Ring Road all the way out to the Dhaula Kuan. Then I would take the national highway no 8 straight to palam and get off at the exit that says Palam Airport. By following the map I'd be able to make it with no problem.

In a previous principle we talked about identifying a plan to reach your outcome. Trust that plan and work it. Let your actions be guided by the plan and your chances of arriving at your desired outcome is much greater than pursuing actions directed by random whim.

Fourth, your actions should be incremental. They should be small enough as to not be overwhelming. Yes, there may be times when bold action must be taken (a move to a new location, or a change in career, etc.) but for the most part you should try to build your plan so that you have many, many small incremental steps you can take. That way you can take steps every day and add to your sense of competence and achievement.

By taking small steps every day you don't feel like you are committing huge sacrifices that may not seem worth the effort. You are able to advance with quiet strength and certain confidence in yourself. You are not taking on the mountain as a whole, rather you are ascending a step-by-step pathway which will eventually lead to the top of the mountain. This reminds me of the age-old question, "How do you eat an elephant?" The answer, of course, is, "One bite at a time."

Fifth, your actions should be recorded. Here we go with writing things down again. Are you beginning to think I'm a broken record? :-) Well, about this topic, I probably am. I just know the value of writing things down. Having a record of your day-by-day achievements is very important as a motivational tool. Those days when you think you are making no progress (and believe me when I tell you that you'll get them quite often), you have a weapon to defeat that evil monster Discouragement.

I tend to write down not only the step that I accomplished on a particular day, but also the feelings I had in accomplishing that step. The thoughts that went trough my mind and the lessons I learned by taking that step. In essence I have a journal of progress that I can review at any time that serves as a tremendous motivator and encouragement for me to keep going during the discouraging times.

I cannot emphasize enough the value of keeping track of your progress and the thoughts and ideas you have as you make consistent movement toward a desired outcome. The lessons you will learn, the encouragement you will receive and the enjoyment of reviewing past achievements far outweigh the slight inconvenience involved in journalizing. Try it. I think you'll find it a true blessing.

Finally, if necessary, recruit the person you chose to be your encourager and ask him or her to hold you accountable to following through on your steps. Sit down with that person and explain where you are wanting to go and how you intend to get there. Show him or her your plan and set up a regular "report in" time. This step may not be necessary for certain goals; those you know you will follow through on without much difficulty. However, having someone work with you to hold you accountable to follow through on the more difficult steps is absolutely invaluable. This kind of accountability can be very effective if it allows for two things.

First, you must make a commitment to absolute honesty. You must let your partner know when you fail as when you succeed. If your partner is to be an effective support, he or she must know when you are struggling and when you feel like quitting. If you hide your struggles or hide the fact that you dropped the ball at one point, then your partner can't give the support and challenge that you will need at that point in time. Honesty must be assumed, if the accountability arrangement is to work at all.

The other thing that must be present in an accountability relationship is permission to speak freely. Your partner should have your permission to speak his or her mind at any time they feel the need to do so. If you are having a particular hard time following through on an item, your partner needs to have your permission to ask you if you really want to achieve that outcome. If you honestly answer yes, then he or she needs to have your permission to ask the hard questions and make the hard demands. If you will become bitter or angry at such activity, then it is best not to enter into an accountability arrangement. You don't want to sacrifice a friendship. On the other hand, if you allow that friend to ask the hard questions and make the tough demands, you will find that the energy generated from such activity to fuel your efforts and drive you onward toward success.

So now as you begin the process of reviewing the desired outcomes you have listed in your journal (you do have them listed don't you?), it's time to pick one and to begin the process of achieving that outcome. Go ahead and pick one. Good. So let's start with step one, take consistent goal-directed, incremental, action and record the accomplishment of each step. Pretty soon you'll be at the finish line and when you are, let me know. I'll help you celebrate.

Is This All There Is?

Often when we are confronted with significant change in the circumstances of our life we resist the opportunity for re-evaluation. Many self-help gurus are so insistent on the need to be persistent that we can sometimes feel guilt if we decide to change direction or abandon an outcome for which we have been working. Yet in order to be effective in our lives we must master this most important principle of success.

The one reality that we face every day is that life changes. Unexpected circumstances occur when we least expect them. Often those circumstances create new perspectives or open doors to new opportunities that were not available to us earlier. In order to take advantage of those opportunities or to adopt those new perspectives, we must learn the art of flexibility.

Periodically we need to stop what we are doing and reflect on our actions and on our current goals. To mindlessly pursue a goal simply because we adopted it as a goal in the past is to allow ourselves to become trapped in a static life. Because life is not static, we must learn to become dynamic in both our activities and our goals.

One way to become dynamic in relation to our goals is to understand that most tangible goals have intangible motivations. For example, let's say currently you are living somewhere in the Mumbai in a small two-bedroom apartment. One of your goals is to own a large house on a beach. Ask yourself about the intangible motivations behind such a goal. The best way to do this is to ask how you would feel if you reached the goal. What emotional payoff would you receive in the goal's achievement.

Perhaps in asking this question you discover that you feel more successful being in a larger house. Being in a beach house on the coast you might feel more respected by those you know. Let's say that you also might feel freer to entertain friends if you were in a larger house rather than in your current small apartment. You might feel that you would create deeper friendships as a result.

All of these are intangibles: the feeling of success; the feeling of greater respect; the freedom to entertain; the deeper connection to friends. Each of these intangibles can be achieved in more than one way. By becoming aware of the many ways they can be achieved we open the door to opportunities we might not be aware of as we initially choose our goals. By becoming aware of these other opportunities we give ourselves permission to be flexible in the tangible goals we pursue because even if we change a tangible goal, we are still in pursuit of the ultimate intangible which is what is most important.

There are other questions we need to periodically stop and ask ourselves as we work toward a chosen outcome. First, do you really want the outcome your currently working for? Again this can be answered best by looking at the intangibles involved in the goals we choose for ourselves. Let's go back to the goal of a beach house. Perhaps after serious re-evaluation you realize that what is most important about that goal is the desire to be free to entertain and deepen the connections you have to your friends. You realize that a beach house on the coast might be nice but it might not really help you achieve what you ultimately want. So take time to change your chosen outcome and work toward those things that will produce what you truly want: a deeper connection to your friends.

Secondly, once-in-a-while it becomes necessary to ask yourself if the price you are paying for a desired outcome is worth the anticipated results. Nothing can be more discouraging than to reach a desired goal only to find that it's achievement wasn't worth the sacrifices made to reach it. Here you need to take time to become familiar with your true and deepest values. You also need to be aware that as you grow and your perspective changes, your desired outcome might no longer produce for you those things that are truly meaningful. If this is the case, then by all means give yourself permission to abandon the desired outcome and pursue another that is closer to your ultimate values.

In the event that you have decided that your desired outcomes are truly what you want to achieve and that no changes are necessary at the moment, you need to take time to evaluate your actions. Are the actions you are taking actually moving you toward your desired outcome. Are you being effective or are you running around in circles? Here it is absolutely vital that you be brutally honest with yourself. Nothing can discourage you faster than to take continuous action that gets you nowhere. Be honest and modify your action plan if you see that what you are doing at the moment is not producing results.

Finally, you need to evaluate if you are on track in your activities. Are you going to achieve your goals within the specified target dates? Has a circumstance arisen that will cause you to modify certain target dates? Say for instance you have had to rely on someone else to produce something for you and they have been delayed. This would probably force a modification in your target dates. In this case you might want to look at other target dates and adjust them so that you still can reach your desired outcome within a reasonable distance from the original target date.

The most important thing to remember is that flexibility is vital if we are to remain mentally healthy in relation to achieving desired outcomes. Flexibility is within our control most of the time if we take pains to periodically evaluate our current conditions in relation to our ultimate objectives. So take some time this next couple of weeks and evaluate your desired outcomes. Look at the intangibles involved in those outcomes. Do you need to flex somewhere or adjust your activities in some way? If so, give yourself permission to make those adjustments. It's OK to do so...really.

Change is the Only Constant.

They say that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over while each time expecting a different result. By this definition, I’m sure most of us have spent at least some time in the camp of the insane.

If we are brutally honest with ourselves we will have to admit that we do not like change. Change is uncomfortable because it reveals to us our vulnerability to the unknown. As a result we usually work hard to avoid it and thus find ourselves trapped in trying the same thing over and over again hoping to somehow produce a different result.

Yet change is something that is inevitable and a necessary part of life. Change, as they say, is the only constant of the universe. So if you are committed to moving away from being the Victim and moving toward the path of the Victor, you are going to have to embrace change. Like it or not, somewhere down the road either your specified outcomes, or your current tactics are going to have to suffer through the process of modification. So let’s take a look as some principles that will help you make changes effectively.

First, stop looking at the need to change as a point of failure. We are human, each one of us. As such we have very limited abilities to see into the future. Often a new piece of information, a change in life circumstances, or some other unexpected turn of events can lead us to the need to re-arrange our life goals. At the very least there will often come times when a modification of our action plan is required because of something we didn’t anticipate. None of these are reasons to be discouraged. Simply make the adjustment and then move on.

Secondly, in the event that a major change is required, say a change in a target outcome. Don’t make the change without going through the required planning. One of the easiest ways to prevent yourself from achieving your outcomes is to change them and then fail to create the necessary action plan for their accomplishment. It is easy to decide that an outcome is no longer desirable and then forget that the new outcome we’ve chosen requires thought and preparation in order to achieve it just like the previous outcome did. So make sure that if you make a major change that you spend adequate time in preparation before you begin taking action toward its achievement.

In the event that you have decided that an outcome is still desirable, but that a change in tactics is required, then make sure you change only that which is not working. Often we get frustrated because certain activities are not producing the results we think should be produced. In these circumstances the tendency is to change everything we are doing. The problem is that we often eliminate activities that were effective as well and those that were not. Thus our overall effectiveness is reduced. When making a tactical change, make sure that you change only those things that are not producing effective results and leave everything else alone.

The most important principle when confronting change is to remember to slow down and take your time. Don’t let the requirement to change control you. Work to always maintain control. Do not make changes simply to satisfy the need to change. Think first; implement change later. Evaluation should always precede implementation, otherwise the modifications to your plans will prove far less effective than normal.

Don't Give Up

I've been a little bit hesitant in writing this article. After some of the things I've said about our sixth and final principle you might come to the conclusion that I'm speaking out of both sides of my mouth. I think, however, after you finish reading it, you'll understand better where I'm coming from. My main hope is that you will find yourself freed from a significant source of bondage amongst those who try to implement self-help advice. I'm talking, of course, about:

Persistence is a big animal amongst self-help gurus. Most will insist that persistent, directed effort expended every day practically guarantees that your goal will become a reality. In fact this idea makes so much logical sense that we hardly ever consider questioning it. It is one of those rather obvious principles most of us consider axiomatic. However, don't let the overwhelming praise for persistence blind you to its potential pitfalls.

Persistence can be your greatest ally when it comes to achievement. But like any good thing taken to extremes it can become destructive and can keep you from your goal as effectively as outright laziness. The critical issue is the use of persistence as a means not an end in itself, as a tool not as a goal.

Having said all that, let's take a look at this wonderful tool we have at our disposal: the tool of persistence.

The first thing to remember is to never use persistence as an excuse to continue ineffective activity. Remember our definition of insanity from last issue? Insanity is conducting the same activity over and over only hoping for a different result each time. If something is clearly not working then stop doing it and do something else.

Persistence doesn't necessarily mean repeating the same activity. It does mean taking consistent, daily action no matter what obstacles you encounter until you reach your desired outcome. That action will probably be different each day but as long as it's directed toward the ultimate goal, you'll eventually meet with success.

Persistence doesn't necessarily mean repeating the same activity. It does mean taking consistent, daily action no matter what obstacles you encounter until you reach your desired outcome. That action will probably be different each day but as long as it's directed toward the ultimate goal, you'll eventually meet with success.

Secondly, if your goals have changed, make sure your persistent actions change with them. Now this seems to be one of those obvious rules that don't need to be stated. You'd be surprised, however, at the number of people who are madly pursuing goals that no longer have any meaning to them simply because they think they should "finish what they started".

Third, persist until it becomes clear that your activity will not produce your desired outcome. In that case it will become time for implementing the principle of modification. Once you have developed a new plan of action, then you need to become equally persistent in implementing the new plan.

With these three guidelines in mind you can now safely implement the principle of persistence according to its popular understanding.

First, persist regardless of the advice of others. Way too many well meaning people are out there just waiting for the opportunity to tell you exactly how you should proceed, when you should start, when you should quit, and how intense you should or shouldn't be. Pay attention to none of them. Only you know what you really want to accomplish. Only you have the unique insights and vision that make up your goal. Don't let some good-hearted advisor ruin your dream by sharing with you his or her unsolicited "wisdom" about how impossible or how useless your action is or is not. Follow your heart and keep going even if that means going on alone.

Persist until you have exactly what you desire. Don't give up, ever. Keep going until you achieve the passion that beats within your heart. Don't accept anything less than exactly what you want. Second best isn't even close to good enough, and "satisfactory" doesn't exist. Only what you want is good enough and nothing else will suffice. Keep going until that which you envision has become a reality. Then, stop and smell the roses and enjoy the heck out of your success, because you are no longer the Victim. Instead you've done what it takes to become the Victor. Congratulations! Enjoy.